Christmas humour

Christmas bon bon jokes

How many times did you pull on a bonbon this Christmas?

three Christmas bonbons with Santa and Rudolph faces

Santa and Rudolph bonbons

We had them at two family functions, and actually found different jokes in each set. Not that they are necessarily jokes we haven’t heard before, but at least there was variety!

So to add some post-Christmas cheer (or groans as you may be inclined!) here are some of the jokes I came across this year… and they are all family friendly, too!

Christmas and Santa jokes

What do you call a bankrupt Santa?

Saint nickel-less

What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?
Claustrophobic

Who delivers presents to baby sharks at Christmas?
Santa Jaws

What do you call a kid who doesn’t believe in Santa Claus?
A rebel without a Claus

Where does Santa go when he’s sick?
the elf centre

What did the sea say to Santa?
Nothing! But it did wave…

What do reindeer hang on their Christmas trees?
Hornaments

Boy in Christmas elf costume

Making someone smile makes you feel good too

What do you call a dog who works for Santa?
Santa paws

What do Santa’s little helpers learn at school?
The elf-abet

What do monkeys sing at Christmas?
Jungle Bells, Jungle Bells

What goes OH OH OH?
Santa walking backwards!

Why is it getting harders to buy advent calendars?
Because their days are numbered

Why does Santa love gardening?
Because he goes HO HO HO!

What is the best Christmas present in the world?
A broken drum – you just can’t beat it!

What nationality is Santa?
North Polish

What do you get when Santa stops moving?
Santa Pause

Why is it getting harder to buy Advent Calendars?
They’re days are numbered

Who is Santa’s favourite singer?
Elf-is Presley

Other jokes…

What is green and goes camping?
A Brussel Scout

What’s the difference between a boogie and a Brussel spout?
Kids don’t eat sprouts

There were lots of non-Christmas and non-Santa jokes in our 2014 bonbons if you want some more to read or share!

 

Jokes from Christmas bonbons 2015

Pile of Christmas bon bonsLast Christmas, we had a lot of fun with a list of corny jokes from bonbons so I figured we’d do it again.

I’ll try to avoid copying any jokes we had last year but forgive me if I get any doubled up! The post will go up next week, but if you have any bonbons cracked before then, please email me the jokes and I’ll pop them in!

Using these jokes…

The obvious use of these jokes is to read them here and now and laugh 🙂

But I thought it would be nice to suggest other uses for these jokes, some of which are ideas from people last year.

  1. read them out on Christmas Eve as part of the build up to Santa’s arrival
  2. read then out at Christmas lunch, or randomly during Christmas Day (Hmm, does that mean you get twice the jokes or you don’t buy bonbons this year?!)
  3. share this page in social media so lots of people can get a laugh (or a groan as their sense of humour dictates!)
  4. use these jokes when making your own bonbons
  5. write out these jokes into Christmas cards or tuck them into Christmas gifts
  6. choose one or two and use them as an email signature for December
  7. use them as  Christmas countdown, sharing a different joke each day (Sorrowscal took this further last December when she made up a new joke each day!)

Let s know how you use these jokes 🙂

 

Christmas bonbon jokes, 2014

Following on from jcc481’s suggestion, I am going to compile jokes from this year’s bonbons 🙂

CHristmas bonbons with paper hat and jokes

Christmas bonbons, complete with paper hat and a sheet of jokes…

I don’t promise all will be funny – but it’s a sure bet some will make you groan! However, it will be fun and all will be clean and child-friendly. So here goes…

Jokes from the bonbons…

Which composer do dogs prefer?
Poochini

What do call two thieves?
A pair of knickers

What do clouds wear?
Thunderwear

What do you call a man with a spade in his head?
Doug

What do you call a man without a spade in his head?
Douglas

What do you call a penguin in the Sahara Desert?
Lost

What do hedgehogs have for lunch?
Prickled onions

How does Jack Frost get to work?
By icicle

Why did the tomato blush?
It saw the salad dressing

Why do cows lie down in the rain?
To keep each udder dry

What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh

How did my friend drown in a bowl of muesli?
He was pulled in by a strong currant. 

How many animals of each species did Moses take into the ark?
None, but Noah took two of each!

How is a banana peel on the footpath like music?
If you don’t C Sharp you will B flat

* I will add more after more bonbons on Thursday!

Your turn…

There’s only so many bonbons I come across so to make a large collection of jokes, I need help! I’d love you to add any other bonbon jokes you’ve come across this year to the list by putting them in the comments below.

PLEASE make sure only family friendly jokes are included…

Christmas jokes (child friendly!)

While Santa loves a laugh and often puts a joke in his personalised letters, the following ones are not in this year’s letters so won’t ruin any surprises!

Jokes

What do Christmas and dogs at the beach have in common? Dog in a Santa hat

 

What happens to you at Christmas?

 

How long do an Elf’s legs need to be?

 

Once you’ve thought about them…

 

 

 The answers are

 

They both have Sandy Claws…

Yule be happy

Just long enough to reach the ground so he can walk on them!

 

Image courtesy of 123RF

Christmas jokes…

I have three jokes to share with you today…

What starts with P and ends with E, and has a thousand letters?

How do you make Lady Gaga cry?

Why is Santa so good at karate?

 

Santa laughing

Santa loves a good laugh – HOHOHO!

Answers…

 

Post Office
Poker Face
Because he has a black belt

The night before Christmas – for aviation people…

Sorry, I don’t know the original source of this but as someone works with planes, this made me laugh!

I hope others enjoy it too – Merry Christmas!

The night before Christmas (aviation style)

Twas the night before Christmas, and out on the ramp,

Not an airplane was stirring, not even a Champ. 

The aircraft were fastened to tie downs with care,
In hopes that come morning, they all would be there.

The fuel trucks were nestled, all snug in their spots,

While peak gusts from three two zero reached 39 knots.
I sank behind the fuel desk, now finally caught up,

And settled down comfortably, resting my butt.

When over the radio there arose such a clatter,

I turned up the scanner to see what was the matter.
A voice clearly heard over static and snow,

Asked for clearance to land at the airport below.

Santa in a blue Christmas plane

He barked out his transmission so lively and quick,

I could have sworn that the call sign he used was “St. Nick”.
Away to the window I flew like a flash,

Sure that it was only Horizon’s late Dash.

Then he called his position, and there could be no denial,

“This is St. Nicholas One and I’m turning on final.”
When what to my wondering eyes should appear,

A Rutan sleigh, with eight Rotax Reindeer.

Cleared for the ILS, down the glideslope he came,

As he passed all fixes, he called them by name:
“Now Ringo! Now Tolga! Now Trini and Bacun!

On Comet! On Cupid!” What pills was he takin’?

Those last couple of fixes left the controllers confused,

They called down to the office to give me the news.
The message they left was both urgent and dour:

“When Santa lands, have him please call the tower?”

He landed like silk, with the sled runners sparking,

Then I heard “Exit at Charlie,” and “Taxi to parking.”

He slowed to a taxi and exited Three-Two,

As he came down the taxiway the sleighbells’ jingle grew.

He stepped out of the sleigh, but before he could talk,
I had run out to him with my best set of chocks.

He was dressed all in fur, which was covered with frost
And his beard was all blackened from Rotax Reindeer exhaust.

His breath smelled like peppermint, gone slightly stale,
And he puffed on a pipe, but he didn’t inhale.

His cheeks were all rosy and jiggled like jelly,

His boots were as black as a cropduster’s belly.

He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old fool,

And he kindly informed me that he needed some fuel.
A wink of his eye and a twist of his toes,

Let me know he was desperate to powder his nose.

I spoke not a word, but went straight to my work,

And I filled up the sleigh, but I spilled like a jerk.
He came out of the restroom with a sigh of relief,

And then picked up a phone for a Flight Service brief.

And I thought as he silently scribed in his log,

That with Rudolph, he could land in an eighth-mile fog.
Next, he completed his pre-flight, from the front to the rear,

Then he put on his headset, and I heard him yell, “Clear!”

And laying a finger on his push-to-talk,

He called up the tower for his clearance and squawk.
“After departure fly heading three two zero,” the tower called forth,
“And watch for a Luscombe inbound from the North.”

Then I heard him proclaim, as he climbed thru the night,

“Merry Christmas to all! I have traffic in sight.”  

Santa in sleigh pulled by 6 boomers1

 

* Images courtesy of Love Santa and 123rf

If UK children ran Christmas, they would…

Santa 

 

Nearly 20% of children love to give gifts and help others around Christmas time. I’m not sure whether to be pleased 20% of kids are generous or sad 80% haven’t been shown the pleasure in giving and helping others.

What do you think?

All the more reason to focus on teaching kids about the spirit of Christmas and reducing the reliance on presents as the important Christmas activity.

Do you think the statistics would be different if this survey was repeated in Australia or other countries?

*Infographic courtesy of Santa’s Lapland

Santa has to cope with international rules…

Santa has a long way to travel on Christmas Eve, and he has to cope with different climates and rules along the way.

How often do you check under your car for sleeping children? Do you dress well to keep your license? Do you bother buying sprouts for Christmas dinner?

These and other interesting questions arise from the following infographic kindly shared by case luggage.

An inforgraphic about Santa's Christmas Eve Journey

 

 

 

And as for me – I never check under my car or sleigh for sleeping children (I don’t think that makes me negligent!), I don’t dress nicely for the sake of my license and I don’t buy sprouts very often at all, and certainly not for Christmas!

hohoho with Santa!

I have some more Santa jokes to tell you…White bearded Santa looking in his sack

 

Where does Santa stay when he’s on holidays?

At a ho-ho-hotel of course!

What does Santa put on his toast?

Jingle Jam

Why does Santa have a white beard?

So he can hide in the North Pole!

Santa doing maths…

Santa’s teacher asked “Why are you lying on the floor to do your maths work?”

Santa answered “because you said to do the problems without our tables!”

I told my teacher this one and she didn’t laugh but I think its funny!

Santa staring at a blackbaord to do a math problem

Santa thinking about a maths problem…

 

*Images courtesy of 123RF

I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus – the story

Another fun Christmas song most of us know (at least vaguely!) is “I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus” – in fact, I bet you are singing the title to yourself rather than just reading it. I know I hear the song whenever I think of it 🙂

Following on from the story behind “All I want for Christmas is my two front teeth” I thought I’d look into the story of some other Christmas favourites, starting with “I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.”

The story behind Mommy kissing Santa

Tommie Connor, from London’s West End, wrote the song (music and lyrics).

It was first recorded by Jimmy Boyd (who was 13!) in July 1952 and reached the top of charts that December. The Catholic Church in Boston and other areas also banned it that year because it mixed Christmas and kissing! (I think that conversation deserves its own post so will leave it alone for now…)

Other artists have since recorded the song, including Spike Jones & his city slickers (who did the original front teeth recording), the Jackson 5, Amy Winehouse, John Mellancamp, the Ronettes and Tiny Tim. Although some have only sung the chorus and verse 2 rather than the full song as listed below.

A couple of artists have even sung it as “I saw Daddy kissing Santa Claus”!

This song is amongst the 25 most-played Christmas pop songs on American radio. It’s not played in Australia as much, I don’t think, as it’s not a song I have heard that often on the radio or in shops.

Have you come across it very much?

You can get the sheet music, too.

I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus lyrics

Christmas toys all over the place,
Little Johnny wears a funny smile on his face;
For Johnny has a secret,
And this secret he must share;
He wants to tell somebody,
So he tells his Teddy Bear…

I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus
Underneath the mistletoe last night;
She didn’t see me creep
Down the stairs to have a peep;
She thought that I was tucked up in my bedroom fast asleep.

Then, I saw Mommy tickle Santa Claus,
Underneath his beard so snowy white;
Oh, what a laugh it would have been
If Daddy had only seen Mommy kissing Santa Claus last night.

I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus
Underneath the mistletoe last night;
She didn’t see me creep
Down the stairs to have a peep;
She thought that I was tucked up in my bedroom fast asleep.

All I want for Christmas – the background

Back in June, AussieMindy shared a story about being 8 years old without her front teeth at Christmas time – and hearing the song ‘All I want for Christmas is my two front teeth” over and over again.

writing music about teethThat got me thinking – where did that song come from?

And what are all the words of it?

So I went out and found some answers…

The story of the song

Don Gardner was a primary school teacher who asked his grade 2 students what they wanted for Christmas as part of a song writing activity in 1944. Apparently, most of his class had at least one missing tooth and spoke with a lisp because of the resulting gap in their mouths.

That night, Don wrote a song in about 30 minutes to have a little fun with his students and their missing teeth.

His students sang it at annual Christmas concerts and it didn’t go much further until he sang it at a music teachers conference. A woman who worked at Witmark music company heard it, passed it onto her boss and the song was published in 1948.

Spike Jones & his city slickers recorded the song, including the falsetto boy’s voice, in December 1948 and reached the top of the charts in 1949. Since then, it has been recorded a number of times by various artists including Dread Zeppelin, the  Andrews sisters, the Chipmunks, Nat King Cole and Count von Count (of Sesame St).

As well as inspiring various parodies, it is said that this song was the first light-hearted Christmas song and inspired songs such as “Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer” and “I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus“. So thank you Don and your grade 2 students for giving us this silly song 🙂

Don Gardner died in 2004 and those grade 2 students would be about 75 years old 🙂

All I want for Christmas is my two front teeth lyrics

missing two front teeth for ChristmasEverybody pauses and stares at me

These two teeth are gone as you can see

I don’t know just who to blame for this catastrophe!

But my one wish on Christmas Eve is as plain as it can be!

 

All I want for Christmas

is my two front teeth,

my two front teeth,

see my two front teeth!

 

Gee, if I could only

have my two front teeth,

then I could wish you

“Merry Christmas.”

It seems so long since I could say,

“Sister Susie sitting on a thistle!”

Gosh oh gee, how happy I’d be,

if I could only whistle (thhhh, thhhh)

 

All I want for Christmas

is my two front teeth,

my two front teeth,

see my two front teeth.

 

Gee, if I could only

have my two front teeth,

then I could wish you

“Merry Christmas!”

 

 

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